It's Away

The colors whisper through the leaves as they fade onto the ground.
What they try to tell me slips from my lips. I'm deaf.
I asked the universe why you're not around.
I'm scared that you're too far gone.
And you don't want saving.

The wind; it paints the floor with red footprints.
Where it is leading, fleeting. It's away.
I know you knew how to find your way, since.
You forgot to leave me when you fled.
And I want saving.

The sky cries ice because there's no hope like once before.
I was crying for him. You held me in the street.
It's not the same, no. You're not around.
They took you too far away.

You don't want saving.

familiar

sway, mesh, merge

I just want to memorize the skies with you. Lying on my back against the grass. Let's talk about the unknown. I can feel the rays of the sun in your palms as you hold my hand. And, we'll sway in our ideas. Let's just sway. Mesh. Merge into one. Let's talk about the stars that you see in my eyes. I just get this feeling when you look at me. We connect and I get the notion I belong right here unlike ever before. Our paths are swaying, meshing, merging into one. I just want to memorize the skies with you.

Lover or Death

Your heartbeats are footsteps, with each one you're making your way towards me. In rhythm, I can sense you closer with the passing of time. You are meant for me in a sense--meant for me in a way a breath needs lungs and lungs need breath. Even though I sit in solitude and have been to myself, that doesn't stop my passion and my need to be enraptured by your embrace. I still have it. Oh, I still have it. Lingering deep inside of me, a place in which only you can reach. Because I don't belong here and seldom do I feel some bit of familiarity. Familiarity of somewhere I know well. Bright green mountains and a river running through a meadow. It's all of mine. I get the notion that you know that place, too. Somewhere in the core of myself, farther than my organs and blood. I see you there with your feet in the flowing water, whispering the secrets in my ear. I hear your heartbeats. Your heartbeats are footsteps, with each one you're making your way towards me. In rhythm, I can sense you closer with the passing of time. Lover or death, you are meant for me in a sense-- in a way that none of the rest are.

push

We are connected
deeper than you'll ever feel safe
and it scares you
like it scares me
so we push
push
push away.
So we won't ever
ever
ever know.

I'm attached to no one, but the bottom.

death feels like a deep, blue sea. pushing me back down. it's intentional. don't open up your arms so you don't have to swim, it's so intentional, babe. letting the water fill my lungs. I can't, I won't attach to them like I want to attach myself to you a little too late. I know you so well. I know you won't save me. you can't even save yourself. the shark already came and took my heart. the whale with his mouth wide open tried to get the rest of me. but, I kept floating in the slow gravity with these chains. I'm at the bottom all alone, just the way I feel safe and I'm attached to no one, but the bottom. I'm the bottom feeder.

BLACK SIGHT

Black sight, no light.
Only knowing what is not in front of us.
Just let me do this right.

A low slow, steady flow.
Only knowing how shallow it is not beneath.
Just let me explore the below.

Clear white, high flight.
Only knowing myself not at all.
Just let me fly like a kite.

High fall, losing it all.
Only knowing not what we were.
Just let me stand tall.

Feeler

Emotions run me red.
Hot and red.
Red and deep.
I'm a feeler.
I can't stop the currents.
No, I won't.
I'm a feeler.

You're a healer.
I can feel it.
They pass through as waves.
Straight through my body.
It's transparent, anyone can see.
But who needs to see?
Let's not look.
I'm a feeler.

Disease.

Looking into outer spaces, take count of how many disruptions.  Take it all in with a deep breath. What do they see when they look right at me? They don't see me. They see disease. I made a list of everything I wanted to do, long ago. It takes me a little more time, a little more energy. But I've marked off some things. When I say I'm gonna do something, god damn, I do it. Most days, I may feel like I don't have a voice, hands, or no feet. But, I do got heart and you're going to hear it. Maybe not today, but I'm going to do it. Some look at me as if I'm strong because of my weakness. They try to make it easy for me. Strength doesn't come from there or that easy. My strength comes from pain and being forced to face all the little voices in my own head saying, "You can't do this. You can't live like this." People have broke me down and made me feel unworthy. Walked out on me without feeling sorry. That is exactly what makes me. Look at me now. You don't give me any credit for ever growing up. What we had was independence. You walked away because of what you thought I couldn't handle. Give me some credit, all I know how to do is handle. I forget when I'm normal with friends. It's the only place where I really feel known. They hear me clear. They hear me clear. It's freedom to my voice. All of my fears fly away when I'm just in the city. It's where I'm completely happy. You walked into my life and let me be free. I hope that everyone understands me. It's not something I planned. You know better than myself that we are owed this. We can't stop it. We won't stop this. It's like I can with you. "I hope you don't see the weakness inside of me." Oh, I don't have that. Oh, you don't look at me. No. You see me. It's all I ever wanted.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't have a voice, hands,  no feet. But, I do got heart. Can you say that? Oh, you're going to hear from it. I got a disease.

Somewhere in the great coming.

My sky is of a million colors. You sit down and count them all without saying a word. Your tree is one of a million branches. They grow and reach for me without any accord. You feel me. I feel you feel me. Give me some credit. They won't give me any credit. I'm not the girl I used to be. I've grown and I'm not the same. You're the one that sees it. You're willing to risk it. You're willing to bet on me. Take me to the place where I met you. Somewhere in the great coming. Speak to me how the sun and moon are meant for something more. They are in the same room, but they never embrace. I'll wrap you in my color and hide you from the night. Just touch me how you will. Touch me right. Take root and ground yourself. And reach for me.

Crash.

When it all comes together, it's all beautiful. Like a bird's feather, defying the force. Floating down as we float up into the sky. I don't think you know how you've touched me. How you're going to touch me. We haven't even touched yet, not yet. Gravity is pulling us together. We're both pulling away, to pull away. I push outward to stop myself but I find myself close to your skin. You've turned away, but I see you staring when I enter the atmosphere. It's something we can't fight. It's something we won't fight anymore, someday. Someday we will crash, crash from this high. Crash from this high.

the year of now.

The smell of your skin.  It's in the air. I can almost feel it underneath my fingertips. Me, running them across your chest. How can you not know how I feel? You're afraid of my past and what it might do. It's gone now. It's the year of now. I woke up beside you in a dream of mine. Oh, I told you what was on my mind. Oh, you smiled and told me I was beautiful. We're too busy looking for what's simple in the most complicated places. But, we never looked in the most obvious place until now. It's the year of now.

Day 1

I drove by the place where you got sick
The night I told you I was taken
I was singing loud the words
I didn't care if I couldn't sing it right

It's sad how peoples' connections fade with live
The ones that you thought would survive
Can I go back to the first year of our five
Hit rewind and find a reason to hang on to something
I still think of you whenever I hear this song
Oh, oh... ooh, oh.
Can I go back to day 1

We lay on our backs to look at the sky
And we scream oh, oh, ohh oh
I'll know then to remain friends
because that's where it all goes bad
that's where it all ends


It's sad how peoples' connections fade with live
The ones that you thought would survive
Can I go back to the first year of our five
Hit rewind and find a reason to hang on to something
I still think of you whenever I hear this song
Oh, oh... ooh, oh.
Can I go back to day 1

I've been trying to do my best
not to feel anything in this chest
for the last few months
I have been hard at work just to keep my mind
from hitting the rewind
on everything you say to me

Your brain can't tell you how to feel
That's your heart 
Your brain can try to convince you it's not real
But it's playing the lead role
It's reading the wrong part

It's just not a place I'm comfortable
I wanna be somewhere more affordable
I don't wanna be vulnerable

??????

8 days to infinity

We set it in motion. We drank our own potion. I'm not thinking about you anymore. day in, day out like the waves chasing the moon. You're sick with it. You're sick. Your unhappiness is your own sea of love drowned, out. You were running away when you lost me, but you didn't stop to think how'd it feel not to have me at your heels. Now, you use to heal, like they'd be at your bedside. You chase the others like you have eight days to infinity. I loved you and that wasn't ever enough to slow you down. You will live to regret not doing anything the night I told you I was in love if it doesn't kill you first. We set it in motion, drank the potion. Never thinking anything about it. I thought I had everything in you. You and your demons showed me the horror that it is the truth. I was so ready for you. I was ready to feel you against me. To jump in was all I ever wanted to do. I thought you would save me from this lonely forever. I never left the dock because you were running away when you lost me. You didn't stop to save me either. Now, you use to not feel, like they'd be at your bedside. You chase others like you have 8 days to infinity. You would have killed me too in your emotionless sea.

I never was his treasure

I feel you backing off walking slowly just like you do
I know you only wanna do what's right
But he doesn't even do what's right
Only living in selfishness
We're not doing anything wrong
He just told me I was the best friend he ever had
Now, wouldn't he want that for you
I guess not

Moving on was what he was doing
But he never really did
that imaginary ring on her finger
Finally have a chance at something
And, he's trying to play God in my life again.
He already took everything I once was
And made me perfect for someone else

He never wanted to be here
but he never wanted me to be discovered

But I'm no piece of coal
I'm a diamond
He can't hide me from the world forever
I never was his treasure

Three

My body is scattered into thirds for days
Feeling the feeling that stays
What are we really doing wrong
I need to keep it a secret
Until our house is strong
Out in the middle of sea
So, we will be out of reach

1.
Are you going to wake up in my bed
Are you going to make up for all the dead
Are you going to keep me or keep up ships

2.
Are you coming to sea
Are you coming back to me
Are you opening your eyes
to something you dont want to see

3.
Are you still foggy in the haze
Are you not the same
Are you going to wake up and want me


I wish, there were three
of me

the feeling

one day, you're going to regret the decisions you made
blocking how you feel
with the smoke that you can't feel through
and the drugs that make you numb...


one day, numb will leave you empty
with no progression to the greater feeling of love.

Mud

This has come over me like sand in a cool breeze
And I'm floating on solid ground
The irony in life is never easy
Not every pretty sound is right

I've learned to fall freely
Third time's a charm
He is my return, safely
And, I don't mean any harm

I'm swimming in emotions
And, I don't feel tired
Nor swallowed up by the sea
I can breathe

The rain falls delicately
From sunny skies
And pools on the dirt
And, together they flirt

I'm going to pour concrete
In the part of my heart
That still holds holds love for you

So you cannot get back in my head
and lead me back down that dirty path

you walk

You change

You change everything
You change my ideas
You change my head
You change my face

I know it's wrong
I know it shouldn't
But it will,
Change

It will change a lot of things.
I'm not sure if those are good
If it doesn't change,
You are going to change the game.

Dear Catalyst

Times are changing. Feelings are too. Discovered new things to feel lately. The feeling of letting go never felt so good. Hate burned my blood for a while. Just the other day, I spoke to you. Things have happened since that are forcing me to cut all ties to this town. I've seen what hate does to people and I'm not about to let it eat me alive like it has my father. I'm not the girl you fell in love with. I'm someone new. I told you this the first time, but I lost myself again in insecurities. But, now I'm changed for good. I have you to thank for that. My fears were a long list. You made me face all of them. And, I stare them right in the eyes now. I'm not afraid of anything now. I'm ready to face the world independently. You were always meant for me, even for a short time. The real definition of soul mate is someone who has made the most difference in a life and you've made the most difference in mine, thus far. I'm not saying that I won't find someone that won't make more a difference because I have and will over and over again. But we're allowed many special people. My friends will shake their heads, but you are still special in that you've made me exactly who I needed to be. It's just how you look at it, I suppose. I hope you finally found happiness within yourself, forgiveness goes a long way. I realized not to find happiness in others but to look within me. Do the same. I'm happy for you that you finally made a commitment to stay somewhere. I'm happy for myself that I don't have such commitment. I'm just now figuring out myself that I never wanted what I thought I wanted. The world is too big. I'm just discovering a world inside of me that I've never known. And, I owe it to you. I hope you see green in his eyes and you are reminded of me so long ago when we were friends, making jokes. You've seen me at my worst and I don't want to be remembered like that, being possessed by hate and jealousy. I'd rather be known for what I'm going to do. And, I won't remember you at your worst anymore. I'm going to remember you as a friend, as a catalyst.