meditative state- spirituality is a personal journey, not a group effort.

The things that I have learned during meditation really puts life in perspective. I will argue that we're are all here for pain. We're not here for total happiness. We only get that in the ether (Heaven, if you will.) I still feel awkward saying that because I always have been skeptical of anything religious. I still am not a fan of organized religion because I feel like spirituality is a personal journey and not a group effort.

First of all, I am just going to say that we are all aliens. We aren't from this planet. This is only a place we come to grow as energy. Think Avatar. (Where that dude gets in the capsule to sleep, and wakes up on the planet.) When one meditates, your energy travels to a place of peace and happiness. You feel your body align (This is your Chakras aligning) and you feel the most amazing feeling. During that time, you're living in real time. I am not talking about time as we know it. I sincerely believe that this life and our many lives before are only but a second long, comparative.

Before we incarnate, our energy/souls make a contract and make a life plan with everyone we meet. Everyone. Yes. Everything that we go through--bad, good, happy, sad-- we agree to. So, you can't get upset when someone breaks your heart, or when you're having trouble. Because, what happens when stuff happens? You learn. Some of us learn. If we don't accomplish the goal/s that we agreed to accomplish, we have to reincarnate.

Something else that I learned is that just because something goes wrong, it's not the end of the world. I have been sad about not having people around that use to be really close to me, not having my grandmother around, and being upset sometimes that every time I try to have a relationship, I get so close to having what I want and never fails it gets ripped from me. I was severely depressed earlier this year. Not because I was sad over my second breakup with my first love. I try so hard to have a family because my mom gave me up. I don't know my father. I was 3 hours away from my sister that suffers from the same sadness. I just never felt like I had a family. I really had a late start in maturing my relationship/sexual part of me because I was really shy and embarrassed. I suffered with a low self esteem for most of my life. So, when I first fell in love, like for real, I was 22. Everything happened so fast. I didn't really get over until he came back. I was so ready to have something so we moved in together. I blame a lot on him, but it was me too. I didn't know how to be in a relationship. Granted, I have been single all of my life mostly. And, he wasn't happy with himself, either. We did everything to try to make each other comfortable. And, we just weren't comfortable. I couldn't be myself for being a crazy jealous bitch (for good reason) but I--we-- rushed so much. I was just so hungry for a place and a real family of my own.

But I have came so far and I have realized that we already have everything and we are with everyone that we love out there somewhere. It doesn't matter what. There's no reason to be sad and depressed. Everything happens when it's supposed to. We have nothing to fret here. We just have to roll with the punches because it's all what we wanted. And, we'll be a better soul at the end. I have to remind myself daily. I don't really feel fear or pressure anymore. Just take your time, girl!

keep me.

I gave up a piece of a heart for peace of mind, and hope for a heart in its entirety, whole and kind. It's a beautiful thing to just know when you're loved and never have to doubt it. I have been pushed and shoved by the hands of fate. I even thought it came from hate. What did I do? I have always tried to do what I thought was good and true. I fell down on the concrete. But, you have picked me up with a little secret. If things hadn't happened this way, I may not know and I wouldn't have this regret. I have questioned, everything, everything, everything. But I believe in everything now, because I believe in you, when no one does or wants to. They question you, they question if I really know you. I'm the only one knows you. This thing we have is nothing short of miracle and I will write of it forever. You make me feel special and I'm lovesick with a fever. I'm fully aware that I live in a fictional pretend. But, I'll hold on to you until the end. I am conflicted in that I don't want to cause us any harm. So, I may settle and give someone a piece of me, hold them in my arms. But I'll keep you forever. Keep me.

Tonight.

Tonight, I have no words for you.
Tonight, no words will do.
Tonight, words are overdue.
Tonight, I love you.
Tonight, I have no words for you.