You change

You change everything
You change my ideas
You change my head
You change my face

I know it's wrong
I know it shouldn't
But it will,
Change

It will change a lot of things.
I'm not sure if those are good
If it doesn't change,
You are going to change the game.

Dear Catalyst

Times are changing. Feelings are too. Discovered new things to feel lately. The feeling of letting go never felt so good. Hate burned my blood for a while. Just the other day, I spoke to you. Things have happened since that are forcing me to cut all ties to this town. I've seen what hate does to people and I'm not about to let it eat me alive like it has my father. I'm not the girl you fell in love with. I'm someone new. I told you this the first time, but I lost myself again in insecurities. But, now I'm changed for good. I have you to thank for that. My fears were a long list. You made me face all of them. And, I stare them right in the eyes now. I'm not afraid of anything now. I'm ready to face the world independently. You were always meant for me, even for a short time. The real definition of soul mate is someone who has made the most difference in a life and you've made the most difference in mine, thus far. I'm not saying that I won't find someone that won't make more a difference because I have and will over and over again. But we're allowed many special people. My friends will shake their heads, but you are still special in that you've made me exactly who I needed to be. It's just how you look at it, I suppose. I hope you finally found happiness within yourself, forgiveness goes a long way. I realized not to find happiness in others but to look within me. Do the same. I'm happy for you that you finally made a commitment to stay somewhere. I'm happy for myself that I don't have such commitment. I'm just now figuring out myself that I never wanted what I thought I wanted. The world is too big. I'm just discovering a world inside of me that I've never known. And, I owe it to you. I hope you see green in his eyes and you are reminded of me so long ago when we were friends, making jokes. You've seen me at my worst and I don't want to be remembered like that, being possessed by hate and jealousy. I'd rather be known for what I'm going to do. And, I won't remember you at your worst anymore. I'm going to remember you as a friend, as a catalyst.

now.

The things I enjoyed are not what I enjoy, now. The people I loved are not who I love, now. The things I wanted are not what I want, now. Why should I limit myself to what I desire in the present, now?

Cloud

I never can say what I need to.
It's odd since I put words together
for people to make sense of.
Should I give it all up?
I'm in a cloud.
Decisions, decision.
On the fence of the sky.
I can't see to the ground.
Is it green or mud?
There's no way to tell
until I fall from the atmosphere.

meditative state- spirituality is a personal journey, not a group effort.

The things that I have learned during meditation really puts life in perspective. I will argue that we're are all here for pain. We're not here for total happiness. We only get that in the ether (Heaven, if you will.) I still feel awkward saying that because I always have been skeptical of anything religious. I still am not a fan of organized religion because I feel like spirituality is a personal journey and not a group effort.

First of all, I am just going to say that we are all aliens. We aren't from this planet. This is only a place we come to grow as energy. Think Avatar. (Where that dude gets in the capsule to sleep, and wakes up on the planet.) When one meditates, your energy travels to a place of peace and happiness. You feel your body align (This is your Chakras aligning) and you feel the most amazing feeling. During that time, you're living in real time. I am not talking about time as we know it. I sincerely believe that this life and our many lives before are only but a second long, comparative.

Before we incarnate, our energy/souls make a contract and make a life plan with everyone we meet. Everyone. Yes. Everything that we go through--bad, good, happy, sad-- we agree to. So, you can't get upset when someone breaks your heart, or when you're having trouble. Because, what happens when stuff happens? You learn. Some of us learn. If we don't accomplish the goal/s that we agreed to accomplish, we have to reincarnate.

Something else that I learned is that just because something goes wrong, it's not the end of the world. I have been sad about not having people around that use to be really close to me, not having my grandmother around, and being upset sometimes that every time I try to have a relationship, I get so close to having what I want and never fails it gets ripped from me. I was severely depressed earlier this year. Not because I was sad over my second breakup with my first love. I try so hard to have a family because my mom gave me up. I don't know my father. I was 3 hours away from my sister that suffers from the same sadness. I just never felt like I had a family. I really had a late start in maturing my relationship/sexual part of me because I was really shy and embarrassed. I suffered with a low self esteem for most of my life. So, when I first fell in love, like for real, I was 22. Everything happened so fast. I didn't really get over until he came back. I was so ready to have something so we moved in together. I blame a lot on him, but it was me too. I didn't know how to be in a relationship. Granted, I have been single all of my life mostly. And, he wasn't happy with himself, either. We did everything to try to make each other comfortable. And, we just weren't comfortable. I couldn't be myself for being a crazy jealous bitch (for good reason) but I--we-- rushed so much. I was just so hungry for a place and a real family of my own.

But I have came so far and I have realized that we already have everything and we are with everyone that we love out there somewhere. It doesn't matter what. There's no reason to be sad and depressed. Everything happens when it's supposed to. We have nothing to fret here. We just have to roll with the punches because it's all what we wanted. And, we'll be a better soul at the end. I have to remind myself daily. I don't really feel fear or pressure anymore. Just take your time, girl!

keep me.

I gave up a piece of a heart for peace of mind, and hope for a heart in its entirety, whole and kind. It's a beautiful thing to just know when you're loved and never have to doubt it. I have been pushed and shoved by the hands of fate. I even thought it came from hate. What did I do? I have always tried to do what I thought was good and true. I fell down on the concrete. But, you have picked me up with a little secret. If things hadn't happened this way, I may not know and I wouldn't have this regret. I have questioned, everything, everything, everything. But I believe in everything now, because I believe in you, when no one does or wants to. They question you, they question if I really know you. I'm the only one knows you. This thing we have is nothing short of miracle and I will write of it forever. You make me feel special and I'm lovesick with a fever. I'm fully aware that I live in a fictional pretend. But, I'll hold on to you until the end. I am conflicted in that I don't want to cause us any harm. So, I may settle and give someone a piece of me, hold them in my arms. But I'll keep you forever. Keep me.

Tonight.

Tonight, I have no words for you.
Tonight, no words will do.
Tonight, words are overdue.
Tonight, I love you.
Tonight, I have no words for you.