forgive me.

Dear Regretful Self,

I’m sorry for hating the strawberry in my hair. I’m sorry for hating the scars on my body. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. But I do. I’m sorry I was resentful in my teens. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I hated my mother for giving me away. I hated her for not giving me a father. I hated the ones who raised me for being eager to give up on me, to give me away, or even being so eager to threaten to give me away. I’m sorry that I never found light in anything. I was young. I’m sorry that the only thing I thrived for was love and a place to rest my heart before I knew what love was. I’m sorry that I was so emotional and overly dramatic about everything.  I’m sorry that I was so eager to start a fight. I’m sorry that I fell in love for the first time with the wrong person. I’m sorry that I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry that I waited 22 years to finally give it away to someone I loved. I’m sorry he didn’t tell me that I wasn’t the only one. I’m sorry that I gave it away to someone else’s boyfriend. I’m sorry that I didn’t know. I’m sorry that I thought I was special to him. I’m sorry that I felt raped. I’m sorry that I spent two whole years trying to get over it, to find that I wasn’t really over it. I’m sorry I tried to have casual sex to prove to myself I could. I’m sorry that I get attached. I’m sorry that I missed him every day, especially when I got close to the one closest to him. I’m sorry for replying back that night. I’m sorry I said what he did was okay. I’m sorry that I drove half a day to see him at her house. I’m sorry for believing that he was really in love with me. I’m sorry I let him in again when he wasn’t even out yet. I’m sorry that I wanted to make all of the hurt make sense and I’m sorry that I thought the pain would go away if I was just with the one that had my virginity. I’m sorry that I said that I would marry him when he asked. I’m sorry that I pushed the people that were always there for me to make room for someone that couldn’t make enough room for me in his security blanket. I’m sorry that it took losing my Identification to stop me from saying “I do.” I’m sorry that I called him out every day. I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything when I knew he was talking to her again. I’m sorry I created that karma for myself. I’m sorry it took him leaving for it to end. I’m sorry that I couldn’t just tell him to leave when I felt like I had enough. I’m sorry I let him stay because I was afraid to lose a pet more than I was afraid to lose him. I’m sorry that I lost that dog. I’m sorry I’m a bitch most of the time. I’m sorry that I expect others to be on my level. I’m sorry that I expect others to be as responsible as me. I'm sorry that I am "motherly" towards my friends, my sister and my niece. I’m sorry that I don’t always realize they’re simply not on the same road as me. I’m sorry that I gave up on love for a while. I’m sorry that I thought about being with someone simply because I didn’t love them. I’m sorry that I thought that if I didn’t love them that they couldn’t hurt me as bad as someone I loved. I’m sorry that I thought I would never love again. I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out that I could, and even deeper than the first. I’m sorry that I didn’t see it long ago. I’m sorry that I didn’t hold his hand. I’m sorry that I didn’t ask him. I’m sorry that my low selfesteem of my younger self told me it simply wasn’t possible. I’m sorry that I didn’t see the signs. I’m sorry I was blind. I’m sorry no one gets it. I’m sorry that I hold a lot in now. I’m sorry I shut down now. I’m sorry I push people out now. I’m sorry that I feel bad about that now. I’m sorry that I wont reach out to fix certain friendships. I’m sorry that I wait on life instead of making it wait on me. I’m sorry that I won’t make him talk to me and tell me what the hell is wrong. I’m sorry that I won’t make you smile. I’m sorry that sometimes I would rather be anywhere but here. I’m sorry that I’m not enjoying this stagnation. I’m sorry that I am the one that is holding myself back. I’m sorry that I’m unsure of the future. I’m sorry that I’m sorry for all of these things. I’m sorry that I pretty much regret every decision that I’ve made. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t. I’m sorry isn’t going to do much. I’m sorry that I feel the need to apologize for things that’s made me who I am.

                                                                                                Forgive me.

in the ether

I fall asleep just to be with you

It’s the only way you’ll let me in

So, I’m honest with you

It’s what I’ve always wanted

And it’s the last place that I looked

Because I never thought the answer would be

Right there in the sky

The world looks like a disco ball in a blackhole from where I am

I’m floating in the beyond talking to the energy we will be

I go to my happy place where the river runs through the lush

You’re there with that smile on your face

And you eclipse the sun

Lighting up the whole place

Just like you were meant to do

We used to talk for hours about what we believed

I didn’t believe that we had the power to know

But I’m not so sure

Just look within ourselves

And hear everything will be okay

Because we chose this for ourselves

Let’s never regret it

Find the way back to the person you’re meant to be

That’s everything a person needs to do

You are who you are

And who you are makes me happy

That a person like me knows you

And I’ll be waiting right here in my lucid state

For you to come meet me in the ether

Sweet baby girl, just save yourself

I had a dream that I went to where you are and everything was back. I had a dream that it was over, and I had you. And we were happy. You were holding them and kissed my cheek. You were happy, you were alive. I had a dream you were dead. I can’t pretend that I don’t want to save you from yourself. But you pretend that you’re okay without me. And you may be, but I need you too. But there’s not even a window for me to crawl into. I know you’re in there on the floor all alone. I know you haven’t ate in days. Yet, the door is still locked, and I’m standing outside your house with my bags in my hands needing my friend. I need to cry without someone thinking I’m not strong. I can’t go through life without knowing whether it’s dead or alive. I’ve knocked and I’ve tried. But I know, I must walk away when they say, “Pack up your things, and stand your ground, sink your toes into the dirt. Say how you feel, never hold back, wear your armor upon your chest. You can’t save the world, baby girl. Just save yourself, just save yourself. People like that can’t feel, they block themselves. They might care, but not enough. It’s a constant battle and you’ll always lose yourself. I know you really love them with everything you’ve put on the line, but they will never care with the same kind. I know it seems like you just want to know. You wish they’d just tell ya, ‘I love ya.’ But they may take it to the grave, baby girl.  Sweet baby girl, you can’t save everyone.”

I fall in love with minds, not bodies

I fall in love with minds not bodies

I would rather be loved for my thoughts than my sizes
It’s a slow phenomenon for me to feel it
It happens when I feel that it’s safe
So it’s not going to happen when you come to my seat
And say, “Hey Beautiful, what are you drinking?”
I don’t care if you think I’m pretty

Most of these girls are the same
They have low self-awareness
And they hate when no one is aware of them
So they dress like they belong on a pole to feel worthy
What they don’t understand
Is that that only gets them a night
With someone that only cares if they're pretty

I don’t mind if I’m not in love

Because I’ve been there and I’ve been hated
And I hate where I’ve been
I am a better person alone
I’m fun again, fun and carefree
Without others to worry about
I don’t need some body  to make me feel pretty